Process

I'm filling out an application for a new Mission trip. Vancover, Cananda. I'm pretty excited...and a little nervous. James is right though- I was more shaky last year, but that's only because it was my first mission trip EVER! Now that i have some experience 'under my belt', I'm a little more sure of myself.

But as the application process draws near, I find myself wanting to go to San Francisco...to see all the kids I interacted with and got to know...I miss them and can't stop thinking about them.

When did it become ordinary to see condom commercials? When did it become mundane to see two people having sex on TV? When did sex become something “you get used to”?

The TV shows, movies and music surround us with images of sex. Men who want sex, women who want sex, horny teenage boys, raped girls, baby porn, animal porn…and these three main components of American Society is modeled after real life.

Sex is consuming lives of every person in this Country. You hear fourteen year old boy loosing their virginity. HOW DOES A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD LOSE THEIR VIRINITY?! Only in America, that’s how. When there’s nothing but sex, sex, sex, how can one avoid it?

Someone told me in middle school that I will be the only person left with her virginity come my wedding day. At the time I was hurt, thinking it as a attack on my attractiveness…but now I think it a little true. The percentage of teens and pre-teens fornicating is high and will probably get higher. And why shouldn’t it with all the messages our “leaders” are sending us? Our favorite actors and actresses. The people who we yearn to be like. Rappers who write songs that say, “I want a lady on the street but a freak in the bed…”

WHO IS ENCOURAGING TEENS TODAY TO STAY ABSINENT? No one. We teens only take to heart words that, 1: come from someone we respect or 2: stick with us. So who is actually stepping up to the plate and telling us teens to wait for sex? Teachers…who are 90% hopeless when it comes to the student body. 10% Listen, and actually act on it, but that’s not a lot of teens.

But what do I expect? Our culture doesn’t want to have anything to do with God.

It's funny how you something you hated to go through, starts to happen to you again with the one person who you thought would never hurt you.

And suddenly it becomes clear at a certain age that people aren't perfect. And whether or not you thought your friends were angels or not, they arent's perfect either. That the high pedestal that you put them on is starting to crumble, and soon teh pedestal and the friend will disappear.

And funny how somewhere you've felt safe your whole life and felt that it was a strong hold for you, is starting to lose it's 'strongness'. That you feel the need to grow; you feel the hunger and the thirst, but you're getting nothing.

So when I said that I was inspired by a thing on Mary M. in James' blog, what I meant was that he had a link to the person who wrote it. And since I'm not a whiz with this blog, I can't figure out how to link this to his post that's linked to her post. *sigh* So here's part of my inspiration...It's pretty awesome...and it's stuck with me.


Wednesday, August 25, 2004
woman caught

i can't believe it... he set me up...

i thought he loved me... and he set me up.

i thought i loved him... he set me up.

me.

they dragged me...

not him...

just me.

he said he'd leave her for me... we'd start over... he set me up.

they didn't even give me time to dress...

i grabbed this sheet to cover myself...

i looked...

i felt... like a whore.

HE SET ME UP.

'love' he said...

he said he loved me...

he set me up.

used me like a prop for his friends...

BIG IMPORTANT FRIENDS.

too good to help me when daddy died...

had to do the best i could...

DAMN, he told me he loved me...

how could he use me like that?

what am i gonna do now?

i think i'll wait... til it's darker...

so no one sees what a mess i am.

darkness.

i can sneak home...

sneak...

i'm tired of sneaking...

and him... who was he?

'go' he said, 'go, and sin no more'.

those eyes... i've never seen anything like them before.

i've been with lots of men. felt their eyes on me.

but him...

he didn't look at me like a piece of meat.

those eyes.

that tear, running down his cheek.

it was like he felt my shame.

like he knew what it was like...

to be used...

to be exposed.

like he knew what it was like to hurt...

the shame... he knew my shame.

those eyes.

writing in the sand... he made them embarrassed...

even made them feel ashamed.

it got so quiet.

i looked up and all those self satisfied smirks wiped off their faces.

they just watched his finger in the sand.

what was he writing? i wish i knew.

shut them up though... such important men.

the town thinks so much of them.

but me... i know...

i know their dirty little secrets.

and they knew i knew, and they knew HE knew too.

who was he?

'i don't condemn you either.'

you know, i actually believe him.

the first man i've ever met who treated me with respect.

like i remember daddy did before he died...

so kind.

those eyes.

oh those eyes.

it's getting dark now.

i better get home...

get some clothes...

before momma sees me... like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh momma... you're home.

yes momma... i'm a mess.

no momma... i'm not hurt.

yes momma... i was out in public like this.

yes momma... some people saw me like this...

...a lot of people saw me like this.

i'm sorry momma... i know it was wrong momma.

you heard?

oh momma... it was so horrible.

i thought he loved me... thought he'd help us momma.

he just used me...

trapped me...

set me up... and threw me away...

like trash.

i'm sorry momma...

i didn't mean to shame you.

i just didn't know how to make it better....

i thought this was the only way.

they were going to kill me momma...

stone me.

i thought he loved me...

said he'd leave her for me.

they tore me out of his bed momma...

they knew where i'd be.

he set me up momma.

they brought me to the temple, to a man momma. a rabbi.

i realized then that i was a prop momma...

a prop.

it wasn't ever about me...

just a piece of meat...

to trap him.

him...

this man...

this rabbi...

not like any of the other rabbis at the temple momma.

his eyes...

those eyes...

momma... you should see his eyes...

they asked him what to do with me...

me...

wrapped in this sheet...

my hair a mess...

covered in sex.

straight from his bed....

ashamed.

what to do with me...

should they stone me? they ask him.

and he says nothin' momma... nothin'

he kneels down and starts to write in the dirt momma.

oh i wish i could read..

wish i knew what he wrote momma.

cause those men... those important men...

their faces white...

they couldn't look at me anymore...

they ask him again.

can we stone her?

kill me momma...

he said only those who haven't broken the law could throw the rocks...

and then he went back to the dirt...

writing in the dirt...

when i looked up they were all gone...

just me...

just him...

and those eyes...

what's that in my hand?

my hand... oh yes..

a rock momma...

he gave it to me...

it was one they were gonna use to kill me...

i think i'll keep it momma...

to remember...

to remember...

those eyes.

The night started out normal enough, but soon our youth house, where we were free to worship was attacked. The power went out, our pastor was beat up and dragged away, we were blindfolded and forced to our knees.

Fortunately for us, it was a simulation. The people who were shot with air soft guns didn’t die and the people who attacked us and Pastor James were youth leaders and people from the church. But unfortunately, this happens everyday(?) in China, Pakistan and Iran. Our brothers and sisters in Christ are being killed for their faith.

I’m glad I was a part of the simulation. It really opened my eyes to the world. Instead of just my world. So as the night went on and four true stories were read, a story of my own popped into my head. And also inspired by the drabble about Mary M. that’s currently on James’ blog.

Unbelievable.
Even now, ten days later, it’s still unbelievable.
The screams.
The bullets.
All the noise.
It haunts me day and night.
The night my brother convinced me to go to one of his gatherings was probably the worst night of my life.
They caught us. Singing praises to Jesus. The room quickly filled with chaos as the people scatter and guns went off.
They cursed and beat us. They had long whips and sharps sticks and were not afraid to use them on use at every chance they got. Soon every hand was bound and every eyes was covered.
I cried for my brother, not THINKING how much trouble that would put him in.
Pain.
The man behind me pressed me up against a wall and I could feel every bone in my nose breaking. He told someone to find Jin Li, that he was going to be the first to die.
I heard people trying to get away, and fighting with their captors, but they were quickly killed without regret.
Jin Li.
I hear his voice. It’s weak. But as he says his last words, he seems to get stronger.
“Name someone” a brute said.
He named the emperor.
He was quickly whipped.
“Do you love this Jesus of yours? Do you think he will save you from us? From this country? From this Hell?”
“YES!”
I scream as my brothers life is quickly ended. They hit me as I fall to the floor, a helpless, weeping mess.
The rest was a blur of screams and shots.
Loose?
The rope that bound my hands are getting loose, giving me some leeway. With my ear pressed to the floor, I can hear the footsteps everywhere but in the room I’m in. They left me for dead. Either that or for later. I start moving silently, as the rest of the room is quiet.
Wet.
Sticky.
I managed to get the blindfold off my face by rubbing it off. It falls around me neck and my eyes adjust to the dim lighting. I look around and see nothing but dead bodies. And I’m covered in their blood. As I start to realize it, the house also smells of blood and dead flesh.
I keep moving though. Not wanting my own life to end. Though as I move, tears rush down my face.
They died for this Jesus.
Darkness.
The screams and shots fade and I realize I’m free. No more houses, roads, people in black, or blood.
I’m free.
WHY?!
Why did I get away free when people who were there for a real REASON had to DIE?!
Why was I so lucky?
Lucky to live with the smell, the looks on the dead faces, the noise, the tears.
Jin Li.
I get to live while he’s dead.
“Do you love this Jesus of yours? Do you think he will save you from us? From this country? From this Hell?”
“YES!”
Ten days later.
In a ditch.
In hiding.
Afraid.
Through all of that…I want to know, who is this Jesus and why don’t I know Him?
IF PEOPLE WHO KNEW THE RISK STILL TOOK IT-
I want to.
I owe them that much.
To put their witnessing to good use.
…To put my brothers life and testimony to good use.
I don’t care now.
Kill me.
Torture me.
Beat me.
I have to know this Jesus.

I saw someone yesterday that filled my mind with sadness. But with the image of a homeless person in my mind, I started to think about him and what I should be thinking about. Why is it that whenever we see someone "below us" we think he or she is below us and automatically should recieve our pity. Do they really need our pity? What happened to love? I realize that some people may give their love to that person, but our first instinct is pity. And we walk or drive by. Do we invite them to lunch so they can eat? Do we remember where we saw them and then drive to teh local burger king and get them something healthy and then drive back to them? No...we say to ourselves, "That's sad." and don't do one thing. Even remember to pray for them that night.

I'm guilty of doing this same thing. And it really got me thinking.

All the juniors from South Albany High went to the fairgrounds to do something called 'Ethical Decision making..." (workshop? I can't remember) And I guess the school district has been doing it for quite awhile now and it was just ordinary to go. We were told to dress up...like going to an interview and it was cool seeing everyone dress up, i suppose.
But the general consent of the class of 2006, was: "This is going to be dumb." What I kept thinking was that I already have ethics, so why should I go? But of course, this fieldtrip was required! Like everything else is school!
But it was surprisingly...okay. We got into groups of about five-six and with people randomly picked so there wouldn't be clicks and people left out...which was nice, and we all got to associate with people we usually don't.
Of course, the things they don't us I probably won't use...and while I wouldn't want to do that again, it was nice to be out of my comfort zone just a tad.